Our house has been like a cemetery since the good news that Take That have broken up. I cant get a smile out of my bitch shaz. I had to stick a black arm band round the house last night. I got home from work yesterday and the the carpet was covered in every single record she had, and she was sat there just looking at them. Her mates even worse, she went to lunch with her yesterday and her mate couldn't eat anything because she felt sick.
What can I do?
Rob from Take that.
Oh no poor robbie
Sounds like you want to drag her around the kitchen by her hair and give her a right good slapping.
Then bang one out over her records.
Or you could be very supportive and show her what a deeply sensitive soul you are and when she's stopped crying and then told you how much she loves you, you should shut her head in the ironing board legs and push her down the stairs.
Dear Ma Gizum Chops,
I'm really embarrased, all my bestest mates are going out and having a really good time, and I always seem to miss out.
What can I do?
Why don't just stop shagging your cat and go out then you big girlie woos.
Dear Miss Choppy Chop Chops,
I'm a bit of a sad Pirate, and I have no mates, actually everybodies stopped calling me Pirate and calls me Billy No-Mates now. Anyway, it was my 30th Birthday recently and none of my mates wanted to come and see me. I felt so sad I had to grovel to one of my mates to let me go and see him. When I got there I was as sick as a dog and had to go home again. I think they've all noticed that I smell, what can I do?
Hey, Look on the optomistic side, at least they haven't noticed
Recently some mates of mine went on a weekend to CenterParcs, on returning I have found that my wench is pregnant, this, although overjoying me has also somewhat concerned me for two reasons.
1. Working the dates back, the conception occurred when I was at Center Parcs.
2. I am without doubt a complete and utter Jaffa, with about as much life in my semen as a cemetery.
Interesting problem, as you say that you were on holiday with your bestest mates when the conception occurred I find it unlikely that they are likely to be the culprits of this most heinous crime. So what we're talking about is some dude who is almost undoubtedly harder and bigger than you, and most definitely more intelligent than you, shagging your wench. In that case I suggest you await the birth with anticipation and if it comes out black don't believe a word of it when wench starts spurting on about recessive genes.