Hatters Handy Tips

Here's a handy list of useful tips to help you through the pains of the day.

Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

When reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.

A teaspoon placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

Bus drivers: Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.

Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

Bomb disposal experts' wives: keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.

Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.

Housewives: I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhoea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Make the child drink as many hot drinks as possible, such as tea or coffee, and within minutes the blockage will have simply melted away.

When throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.

Avoid being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

Taxi drivers: Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the f*ck you're going.

Pensioners: Try sitting on a pile of encyclopaedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.

Old contact lenses make ideal 'portholes' for small model boats.

Increase the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.

Take your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

Make shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.

Save on charity donations by spending a dollar on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50c to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost.

No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

Give your friends the impression that you wear contact lenses by blinking frequently midway through conversations, and stopping to carefully pull at your lower eyelids.

Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet (unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Holidaymakers: Avoid the need to pack bulky shampoo bottles, which can leak in your suitcase, by arranging for the whole family to have skinhead haircuts a day or two before departure.

Gardeners: Wrap seedling potatoes in a wire mesh before planting. Hey presto! Ready cut chips at harvest time.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

Eat moderate amounts of food daily so that you do not become too overweight. Then, in the event that you collapse in a toilet cubicle, a passer-by will be able to drag you out through the 6 inch gap under the door and walls.